Random Acts of MEESH.

To eat or not to eat - that is the question

Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer 

The grumbles and pangs of outrageous hunger,

Or to take knives against a sea of red onions 

And by opposing, cook them! To cook, to fry… 

No more - And by the fry to say we end… 

The emptiness and the thousand natural flips that the stomach is heir to - tis a consummation 

Devoutly to be wished. To cook, to fry… 

To fry, perchance to eat! ay… there’s the rub

For in that eat of food what aches may come? 

What we have shovelled all off this plate… 

Must give us pause. There’s the respect 

That makes calamity of many foods. 

For who would bear to eat burned rice? 

Th’ oppressive tuyo? The proud mom’s bagoong, 

The pangs after an unsatisfying meal. The cook’s delay. 

The rudeness of servers, and the spurns 

That the patient merit of th’ unworty takes (at the buffet line) 

When he himself might his quietus make with a bare salad? Who would mommas bear 

To chop and stir under a weary life. 

But that the dread that the food would run out,

The undiscovered food from whose taste 

No eater enjoys, puzzles the tongue 

And makes us rather bear the fast foods we have

Than to try others that we know not of? 

Thus conscience makes cowards of us all, 

And thus the native smell of sinigang… 

Is sicklied over with the scent of smoke.

And enterprises of great dessert and entree 

With this regard their currents turn arwy. 

And lose the taste of deliciousness. Soft you now! 

The great Emeril Lagasse, in thy orisons 

Be all my hunger remembered.

So basically… here I am again at work… as always, for my best thoughts come to me as I am sitting on a twin mattress waiting to give someone some special care. That didn’t sound right at all to me. But my brain isn’t working properly. Hahha

But anyways. A few moments ago, I figured that I would start putting some of my creative stuff here too. I haven’t really had the GANAS to, as of late, but now I figure since I’ve been more and more creative these days, that I should post some of my “life changing” literature and photography that I have amassed through the course of twenty one years. So yah. That is why some stuff has been tagged. Yep. 

As I feel more and more as if I am going to go to the hospital (I am such a drama queen, so the odds are high that it may not happen), something I feel deeply runs through me. REVENGE. I want my siblings to feel the hurt and pain I feel when I think of them. I want them to know how upset I am with them. I want them to know that what they have done to me often times feels irreparable. 

I am someone who feels that family is important, someone who has the desire to give all that she can for them. At this point in my life… how much family is not really the case. I don’t think if a family as just being tied by blood or marriage. Although those people are the ones you shall truly (and sometimes unfortunately) be bound to for all of eternity. I think of family as the people who you can find solace and comfort in… people with whom you can be yourself, free of the inhibitions that come with being near people you hardly know. I feel that way about much of my exterior family. 

My life has not been a happy one. You will have to forgive me, for that may not be true in the eyes of others, but as I am in a dark space today, we will go with that. In place of what shoud be a short life of twenty-one, is twenty-one long, hard years of dealing with family problems and mental illness (both mine and of those around me). Twenty-one years of wondering if people liked me, if I was doing a good job, and why I couldn’t get the boys to see me the way they saw the other girls. 

But I digress. I have been feeling rather stressed as of late. Not only stressed, but frustrated as well. Every single request given to me seems as if another weight has been wrapped around my ankles. I wonder how I even get anywhere at this point. I feel like an empty shell. An empty ME shell. hahaha. Yes. I went there.

As a shell without filling, I feel as if I should get away. But somewhere I can be safe and watched over. Although I wouldn’t mind just being in a room away from everyone I know just for the day. The best place I know that to be, and as an person with health insurance, makes it the cheapest place as well… is the psych unit of any hospital. 

Is that abuse of the system? Is it wrong I like being there? Who knows. I mean no one REALLY likes being there…. but it’s just somewhere else. Not here. 

If i did check into a unit… or called Kaiser to have them send me an ambulance. That is where my revenge would take place. I know that if I were to go into the hospital… they would be feel obligated to go see me. Whether they care or not is irrelavant. But as I know they would come to see me… and bring my parents with them, for they cannot drive… When they came to see me… I will only see my parents and ask the others to leave. That would be my revenge. 

I have my period. I had words with my patient. My boss is on vacation. I want to go home. I hate my life. only seven hours and thirty minutes left. If there is a God… I think he hates me. And not just because of this. because of everything. Maybe a little postage later.